Things I've Learned - A Reminder

"Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself."

I was thumbing through some old papers this week and came across this list. I wrote it when I was on the plane home from my graduate school interview at USF, which would make it about 1.5 years old. Some of these are really great reminders and some of them could be amended with things I've learned since being in Tampa. #15 is still true...it is amazing what just one year can bring.

Things I've learned in Atlanta:
1. Long distance relationships with friends and family take work but are invaluable.
2. It is 100% possible to want to do your job every single day.
3. God does not live in Ohio and is bigger than I will ever be able to understand.
4. I will never get sick of southern winters.
5. Tin Lizzy's is the best choice always.
6. Sometimes, people will have more faith in you than you have in yourself. That is a good thing. But, at some point, you need to decide to listen to them.
7. A 45 minute commute will eventually get old.
8. Follow your dreams. Especially when they match your passions.
9. Never be too tired or too busy for late night phone calls and hang outs.
10. Make time.
11. Let go and let God.
12. Set boundaries and take time for yourself. Take a sick day!
13. Decide to invest in other people. Personally, spiritually, professionally. They could end up being your legacy.
14. Don't care so much.
15. Do not underestimate the length of a year - wait patiently.

Still thankful for that time in my life!

Airplane Thoughts - Resilience.

Something about traveling makes me extra reflective. Here is my TPA - CMH brain dump:

My job teaches me a lot every single day. This week, a theme seems to be the idea of resilience. Humans as a whole are incredibly resilient. We persevere through heartache, confusion, and illness. We fight disease and we walk through failure. We work on teams that change, we work on projects that get cut, we get caught in the rain, and through it all, often without thinking, we just keep.on.going. We run marathons, heal from broken bones, and overcome all kinds of loss. We adjust, we fight, and we place one foot in front of the other - no matter how small the step. Have you ever stopped to think about how incredible that is?  (Go ahead and do that…) What teaches us to be that way? Some of it is just human nature and the way our bodies naturally function - wild, huh? Physical resilience is nothing short of a miracle but it is something we can only influence. Often we don't hold the control.

What spurs us on though when the more emotional situations occur? Are we intrinsically resilient psychologically? I tend to think that we are not - at least not entirely.  I'm learning that it is important to identify what helps you to be this way though. Find out what helps you keep on and make sure to always have it close. Who do you want to call when you've had a stressful day? What is the first thing you want to do when you get home? What hobbies and interests have followed you from one place to another? Those are the things that really speak to our souls and help us to know that if our entire world changed tomorrow, we would make it through. 

One of our greatest tools, in my opinion, are relationships with other resilient people. We all need people who can tell from just a "hello" what kind of day we are having. We need people who can remind us how persistent we have been in the past and can reassure us that it won't stop now. Once you find them though, make your thankfulness known and do not let them get too far. These people make us stronger. They lighten our loads and sometimes even carry it for us when it feels too heavy. I guess you could call that resilience in numbers and that is pretty powerful. 

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart. "

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. People have different forgiveness philosophies. Some have a really hard time forgiving others. They see forgiveness as a cop out, as a way of letting the person who wronged them off the hook. Valid. Others prefer to forgive, but still make the decision to push the other person out of their lives. Also valid. I tend to hand forgiveness out like it's nothing. While this is also valid, the appearance that I hand it out willy-nilly is all wrong. 

I read a quote once, much like the one above, that talked about how forgiveness is more about healing your own heart than it is about the other person. This is so true. When another person has wronged me, I am the first to feel hurt, to be upset, and to want to run from the situation. However, that anger is not something that I can hold on to for very long. It feels heavy to me, it consumes way too much head space, and thinking about how hurt I am gives me serious anxiety. Being the extrovert that I am, I tend to always feel a need to confront that person...and I do this so that I can continue a relationship with them, even if it remains a little bit broken. When I have wronged someone else, I would always prefer that they clue me in. It is only fair that I do the same in return.

I'm wondering now how to strike a balance between all of the philosophies, though. While I am a firm believer in forgiveness, I also believe that sometimes forgiveness should come with new boundaries. Boundaries are about us, too...they help us to be compassionate towards ourselves and others at the same time. They also help us to hold others accountable. Sometimes, it takes awhile to finally understand when you've been wronged, and other times it is immediate. Due to my quickness to forgive, I tend to find myself in situations where I've let wrong after wrong pile up. While I know that the easiest answer here is to not surround myself with people I cannot trust with my heart, I also know that isn't realistic. I am not alone in this...we need to be better at setting boundaries and we should never have to bend them.

The thing about forgiveness though is that it is absolutely a gift. Even if it carries a selfish motive sometimes (a less heavy heart), making the decision to create a clean slate and to let go of whatever situation harmed you, is an absolute gift. No one likes to interact with a person who is upset with them. Everyone hates having to walk on egg shells after making a mistake. Confronting and forgiving relieves both parties of this - lucky them, right? Really though, everyone wins, and being able to move on is your victory. Happiness sometimes hinges on an ability to forgive. For the sake of clearing the air and carrying on in at least inner harmony, we could all use a little bit more forgiveness - both in give and take.

"Forgiveness is not always easy. At times it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet,    there is no peace without forgiveness." 

Flexibility

"May you master the art of accepting surprises and landing gracefully." 

I've been reminded a few times in the past week that life perpetually requires you to be flexible. Does anyone feel like they were born with this trait? The ability to be knocked off course without feeling defeated or like chaos abounded? I can absolutely assure you that I was not born that way.

A few years ago I tried to internalize a "go with the flow" attitude. I distinctly remember being in my apartment in Atlanta and having the realization that life is going to happen...no matter what I try to do to control it. This is true of everything but...in that moment, I realized that the only thing I could control was my attitude. I vividly remember thinking "what happens if I get a flat tire on my way to work tomorrow? Who am I going to call?!" After feeling a little bit of anxiety realizing that my family wouldn't be able to save me from 9 hours away, I decided that I couldn't live like that and I needed to free myself of it. I have the skills to problem solve, to take care of myself, and be to resourceful. So, I renewed my subscription to AAA :)

In all seriousness though, I think being able to go with the flow and having the ability to be flexible is a key component to living in the moment. It is something that I have to remind myself of a lot. This week has been a prime example. When I'm faced with change, my immediate reaction is to be the opposite of flexible. No matter how much I try, I do not like change. Flexibility requires a shift in mindset for me, depending on the situation. Being flexible about a restaurant for dinner is a little less challenging than changes in the workplace, but both require a decision. Life will go on regardless of if we throw a tantrum about it or not. We might as well attempt to be pleasant and go with the flow. Learning to be flexible, in my opinion, sets us up for greater success and more fun along the way. I'm not discounting the setback of challenge, but in situations where flexibility is a necessity and a lifeline, a lot of fun and growth can happen in between discomfort and solution.

Courage

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

I am a big fan of quotes...they typically convey truth that I just can't put words around. This one, in particular, is NEVER untrue in my life. Ever. Never has been and I would put money on the fact that it never will be. Getting out of that comfort zone takes huge amounts of courage though...and that is almost always a little bit scary. For me, sometimes the littlest things take courage. I become seriously uncomfortable driving to a new place in a city if I don't know where I will be able to park my car. Dating takes SERIOUS courage and although I enjoy meeting new people, sometimes you have to do so in uncomfortable ways. Creating something new at work...scary. Trying a new restaurant even can be outside of your comfort bubble. 

Think about it though...the greatest rewards always come from the steps that are the greatest leaps from comfort. Moving away from home (twice...farther and farther! ugh.) has completely transformed my social circle, my inner circle, my hopes, dreams, aspirations, confidence level, happiness tactics, likes, dislikes, hobbies...the list goes on. My comfort zone is safe. It does not stretch me. It contains the same people and quickly repels new friends. Comfort is easy. Comfort never requires change. Comfort is rarely exciting and is boring to share. Comfort stunts growth and therefore...truly living. 

I think it is a really good challenge to take one uncomfortable step a day. Try something new at your favorite restaurant, call a friend you've lost touch with, try out forgiveness, take a new route home, make plans to skydive, plan a vacation, admit to fault, move, let someone read your writing, ask questions, take a cooking class, try yoga, stop doing things that make you unhappy...no matter how comfortable. Be bold. The rewards can be huge. You owe it to yourself. 

"Of course it's not enough to sit around wanting to be happy; you must make the effort to take steps towards happiness by acting with more love, finding work you enjoy, and all the rest. But for me, asking myself whether I was happy had been a crucial step toward cultivating my happiness more wisely through my actions. Also, only through recognizing my happiness did I really appreciate it. Happiness depends partly on external circumstances, and it also depends on how you view those circumstances." 

- The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

A good friend and colleague of mine gave me this book to read towards the beginning of this year. She realized that I was on a quest to embrace life and to make the most of my current situations. I still haven't finished it. It is too good to rush through. Above all, it has taught me that we are in control of our own states of happiness. Although circumstances may be uncontrollable, there are endless ways that we can influence the way that we feel and it is up to us to make those things happen. Although I don't have quite the structure that she does, my happiness project has been fun. 

Self-discovery is endless but sometimes, it takes us far too long to take those first steps. The only thing waiting is happiness...go for it. Do more of what makes you smile, only surround yourself with people who serve you in some way, pour a glass of wine, and never stop asking yourself if you are actually happy. Small adjustments (for me - new picture frames, new candles, a glimpse of the ocean, skyping with friends/family, exercising, asking for what I need, spending time at Starbucks, shared experiences) help to create new habits and attitudes which eventually transform a semi-happy life, to an abundantly happy life. 

Hint: first stop...pick up a copy of the book :)

Timing is Everything

"Anxiety is extremely contagious, but so is calm." -Brene Brown 

I think that one of the greatest realizations that a 20 something can have is that timing is EVERYTHING. We need to learn to wait. We may never know exactly what we are waiting for, but we need to learn to be still and to calmly wait...something that is generally counterintuitive to my generation. 

Everyone is constantly searching for something. For me right now, it is direction for my upcoming job search and  love (duh). Also, the anticipation of the busyness of the coming academic year is pushing me towards August. What I know though is that I need to make myself calm down about it all. Do I want answers now? Yes. Does it give me anxiety to not know where ill be living in a year? Yep. That sure isn't helping me figure it out though.

I've done lots of thinking in 2013 and I've searched for ways to live in the moment...this moment...before it is gone (my New Years resolution). I need to realize what a blessing it is to be able to wait. To be able to soak in all of these moments because they are molding me into exactly who I need to be by the time I find what I'm looking for. That takes time. There is a reason we don't find our dream jobs at 20 years old - we weren't ready (and maybe still aren't). Rushing puts us in situations that are not perfect...situations that feel forced, that eventually make us feel lost and like we jumped the gun too quickly. Waiting helps us to weigh our options, to embrace what feels natural when we see it, and to remain happy throughout the process. Sometimes, it seems that waiting is a prerequisite to a fulfilling change. 

I will never claim that waiting is easy (ha!) but I've seen how much timing is key. The right moment, the right people, the right opportunity, the right place...they all appear at the right time. Even if sometimes it feels that life happens fast, my best decisions have come out of a period of waiting...this could be due to my reflective nature and need for ample time to make a decision (I'm still trying to decide what flavor to put in the coffee I had an hour ago) or it could be because waiting allowed for timing to take its course. I waited for my first job and I waited YEARS before deciding to pursue a graduate degree - turns out those were two of the very best decisions I've ever made. I've had friends wait for job offers...frustrated by the fruitless efforts of their searches only to get offers for their dream jobs just a few weeks later. 

Wait.

 Life will happen and pieces will fall into place at its own pace, regardless of how we think they should fit together. At the same time, this doesn't give us license to be lazy, although waiting is productive in its own way. So, here's to getting out there, doing something that may help indecision, and calmly embracing the wait. Let time be the guide. 

These are the words that I have used most often in all of my posts on Facebook. I love words in general so... it makes me smile just to look at them!

 See yours at WolframAlpha.com - make sure you have a good chunk of time :)

Hospitality

 "Hospitality is love in action."

I am in the midst of a 6 week internship in Boston. I am thankful for the opportunity - the city is SO fun, I love being able to walk everywhere, I appreciate being able to experience a different institutional environment, and know that this will be a summer that I will always remember. Mostly, though, I am so thankful for the opportunity to meet new people and for the incredible hospitality that I have been shown. 

You know how you are taught the golden rule and that you should always treat people how you wish to be treated? It is always so nice and refreshing when you meet people who take that seriously and are just...nice. I was immediately included in the community here and have been invited by many professional staff members to watch movies, eat dinner, explore the city, etc. I was set-up in an apartment (for free), given a very generous meal plan, offered extra pillows and blankets, and have been shown genuine friendship in just one short week. The students have taken time to ask me questions, to understand my situation, and to educate me on their experiences...knowing that they are much different than my own. Although it has become cliché , that golden rule is so key...and it is so nice when you encounter people that really take it just as seriously as you do.

Their hospitality means the world to me!

The way that people come in and out of our lives is fascinating (another post on that sure to come). It makes my heart happy to think that the people I have met here have left a mark on me forever. I hope I can do the same!

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you do not have. Remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

It is so hard to solely focus on the things that we have. Society is always focused on getting more of what we don't have. Focusing on the holes in your "I want" tank slowly makes the things that you do have less shiny. Your attention is continually drawn to the areas of life that seem dull when, in all reality, the beauty of life is extremely bright. 

Looking back, it always amazes me how it seems like my life has been so well planned. Here's a secret...I feel like I've kinda just stumbled along and put the pieces in place as I've tripped along. It is beautiful though. Everything just seems to make sense and is meant to be. What is harder to see (or to remember) are all the times that life did not at all seem to make sense. All those times that I felt hurt, heartbroken, or fearful of the future. Isn't it true that, although you know you lived through those, you mostly remember happy memories? Why can't we do that in the moment? Day-to-day, it is SO easy (and often a human default setting) to obsess about the bad, wish for something more, and forget that where we are today will, very soon, be part of that beautiful road that we can see looking back...it will all seem to make perfect sense. 

There are a million things very comforting about that. Maybe (definitely) focusing on the sunshine of every day can make it even sweeter.

A Happiness Journey

I turned 26 about a month ago. In December, when I realized that my birthday was "coming up," I also realized that, for some reason, 26 was meeting me with some anxiety. I know that this is not old, and the fact that I am nowhere near on my way to marriage is totally fine (repeat, repeat, repeat), and that being in graduate school is an absolute success at any age, but, as many things do, my birthday made me extremely reflective...on many things that I do not have, it seems.

That day has come and gone and with the help of my friends and family, I have been able to transform my attitude to one of gratitude and happiness. Another year? What a tremendous blessing. My life should be celebrated and I should be the first to realize that, using one day a year to evaluate just how much I have been given. It is incredible and humbling.

I just finished my first year in a master's program. Said program has amplified my ability to be self-aware and I've realized that I've adopted (or maybe more accurate - defined) a new lease on life and that is the purpose of this blog. I've realized that happiness is really a journey and that the things that make me happy will ebb and flow. I also know that largely, I am in control of my own happiness and I need to act as such.

There are beautiful things, friends, students, colleagues, weather, books, etc. that inspire me to not only be better, but to be ME every day. These are the things that I want to share. I've been prompted and inspired to focus on what makes me happy in this new year of life and to continually better myself throughout the process. Knowing that I try to love fiercely, enjoy building relationships, and attempt to be selfless, making myself happy should only benefit those around me.

Welcome to the journey- buckle up! :)