Forgiveness

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart. "

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. People have different forgiveness philosophies. Some have a really hard time forgiving others. They see forgiveness as a cop out, as a way of letting the person who wronged them off the hook. Valid. Others prefer to forgive, but still make the decision to push the other person out of their lives. Also valid. I tend to hand forgiveness out like it's nothing. While this is also valid, the appearance that I hand it out willy-nilly is all wrong. 

I read a quote once, much like the one above, that talked about how forgiveness is more about healing your own heart than it is about the other person. This is so true. When another person has wronged me, I am the first to feel hurt, to be upset, and to want to run from the situation. However, that anger is not something that I can hold on to for very long. It feels heavy to me, it consumes way too much head space, and thinking about how hurt I am gives me serious anxiety. Being the extrovert that I am, I tend to always feel a need to confront that person...and I do this so that I can continue a relationship with them, even if it remains a little bit broken. When I have wronged someone else, I would always prefer that they clue me in. It is only fair that I do the same in return.

I'm wondering now how to strike a balance between all of the philosophies, though. While I am a firm believer in forgiveness, I also believe that sometimes forgiveness should come with new boundaries. Boundaries are about us, too...they help us to be compassionate towards ourselves and others at the same time. They also help us to hold others accountable. Sometimes, it takes awhile to finally understand when you've been wronged, and other times it is immediate. Due to my quickness to forgive, I tend to find myself in situations where I've let wrong after wrong pile up. While I know that the easiest answer here is to not surround myself with people I cannot trust with my heart, I also know that isn't realistic. I am not alone in this...we need to be better at setting boundaries and we should never have to bend them.

The thing about forgiveness though is that it is absolutely a gift. Even if it carries a selfish motive sometimes (a less heavy heart), making the decision to create a clean slate and to let go of whatever situation harmed you, is an absolute gift. No one likes to interact with a person who is upset with them. Everyone hates having to walk on egg shells after making a mistake. Confronting and forgiving relieves both parties of this - lucky them, right? Really though, everyone wins, and being able to move on is your victory. Happiness sometimes hinges on an ability to forgive. For the sake of clearing the air and carrying on in at least inner harmony, we could all use a little bit more forgiveness - both in give and take.

"Forgiveness is not always easy. At times it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet,    there is no peace without forgiveness."