Article Club!

One of the treasures I loved most about graduate school is that I had a robust community of people surrounding me. Being part of a cohort and a student affairs unit that was friendly and strong afforded me many groups and individuals to truly be part of. I got really used to loving it...and then I graduated and learned that community like that is truly special and unique. It doesn't exist everywhere...unless you decide to create it. After identifying community as an entity that I truly missed, I decided to do just that...enter the Article Club.

Inspired by this blog post [http://cupofjo.com/2014/10/an-articles-club/] and Shauna Niequist's true love for the magic that happens when individuals gather around a table, I tapped three (uh...most) of my Cleveland gal pals, and introduced them to this idea. They agreed to jump in with me and this morning, we met for the second time. The idea is that we choose a topic, find a related article and read one a month. Then, we get together to talk about it and any other topic that surfaces (this morning that was doctors appointments, the monumental job that parenting will be some day, and general life updates). I am SUCH a fan and am thankful that these women jumped on board with my goals of creating consistent out-of-work relationships (check), intellectual conversation (check), and girlfriends with which to live life (check). Our time together has been such a blessing to me already and I know that time with our sweet Article Club will be something I cherish for a long time. It is proof to me that it doesn't take an army to create an environment that makes you feel loved. Community looks and feels different in this stage of life - it takes a little more commitment and courage to create it, and it is necessary all the same. 

And if you're curious:

Meeting 1 Article: Friends of a Certain Age (the difficulties of making friends in the 'real world')

Meeting 2 Article: Sexist Dress Codes (I'm sure you've heard about this one)

Living with Purpose

I think I've stumbled upon a true sign of adulthood: when cliches become true. Like they are FULL of REAL truth. You know that one about how we're supposed to live life to the fullest? I've been thinking a whole lot on that one recently, and it's really challenging me to ponder beyond it's "cliche" boundaries.

All of this came about because I was casually contemplating life and death one day. Have you ever thought about how they are sort of similar? One day you exist in a sort of hidden way, and the next day you are very much alive and in the world when you're born. Likewise, one day you are definitely living and the next...you aren't. Morbid or not, it's true. 

I'm sure many have thought about this earlier than it sank in for me but...what are we even doing here on this earth? What is our purpose? It has to be greater than easily existing. I mean, think about it. Without some sort of mission, we are literally just these strange creatures...wandering, doing strange things that arbitrarily fill our time. Maybe it is just the optimist in me, but there has to be more than that, right? How do we find out about this true purpose? How do we identify something that will fill up our days so that they're meaningFULL?

(And then sometimes I digress)...but...is purpose even important at all if it could all be gone tomorrow? Can't we just live and die and never ever have it mean anything more than just...that? Are we trying to make too much meaning of something that literally has no meaning at all? 

I can't believe that. 

If our time is limited and our purpose unclear but only set by ourselves...and if we truly only have a finite time to figure it out...isn't the answer to living life to it's utmost fullest defining a purpose that will continue long after the dying day? 

I've decided that the way for me to be filled with the most purpose is to extend my life through sharing it with other people. I can't imagine that God created me to live and die, and nothing more. I believe we are far more extraordinary and useful than that. I've been created as someone with strong convictions, a loving (but imperfect) heart, and with a deeply empathetic persona...those are gifts and are not meant to gather dust on a shelf, or to just be acknowledged and filed...they're meant to be used. It seems like I have been given vast opportunity to fulfill this purpose through being a mentor, partner, friend and in all of the other ways I enter relationships with other people. Some want to make a difference in the world...I just want to make a difference in people. I want to give them whatever they need from me through sharing my life, my story, my beliefs, my struggles...whatever it may look like from day to day. Whatever I can do to impart pieces of the gifts given to me onto others so that the world won't be void of them...ever, because I truly believe that we are all that special. 

The beauty of it all, and really what makes the world go 'round, is that we all have a different purpose. I love it so much, and I am happy to be able to contribute to the lives of others through mine. What is your purpose, friend?

"Well, looks like you have Mono."

Rewind to three weeks ago. I got home from a later night at work, was feeling a little funny, and woke up at 3am with a pain in my left side. After spending time on the phone with my boyfriend, the "nurse on call" for my insurance company (who knew that was a thing...), and panicking that somehow MY appendix was actually in my left side, I went back to bed and visited the urgent care the next morning. 2 days later, I was in the ER because the pain had worsened and between that and a visit to a urologist, I learned that my kidney was swollen which is possible evidence that I had passed a kidney stone without knowledge. Hm.

A week later, I was feeling better but was still experiencing extreme exhaustion, all along pretending I was fine due to two fun, warm, sunny trips I had planned during this week. After getting back from trip #1, I caved in to my malaise and squeezed in another trip to urgent care to address the knives-in-throat pain I was experiencing (and covering with ibuprofen). No strep. Tonsillitis. Blood work. Antibiotic. Should be feeling better next day. Positive thoughts. Yay.

I was sitting in the airport in Nashville on Thursday and called the doctor to get the results of my blood work and what do you know...this 27 year old professional has mono. "Isn't that a thing that only college students get?" I asked. Nope. Blood work don't lie. Mono has moved right on in to my little body. Rude.

You know the type of news that simultaneously makes you feel relieved and also knocked over? That was this. Happy to have answers, annoyed at the weeks of sore throats and exhaustion that will follow...especially when on my way to a girls weekend beach vacation. Blah.

In true fashion, I started to think about the meaning behind the timing of this. Although most people would claim there is no meaning and it is just bad luck, I rarely, rarely think that way. Everything has meaning to me. At the very basic level, I was thankful to get the diagnosis while en route to 5 full days of sun and nothing but moving slow, no agendas, and relaxation. What a blessing that was.

So, here we go. Lessons from the mono:

1. Slow down. Too much IS a very real thing for you. 

• This sounds extremely dramatic, but life can be very demanding (and will just become more so). I used to be able to do it. To be able to work a lot, and still push my adventure-loving, night-is-young self to fill the off-hours. I can't do it any more. It isn't healthy for me and I have to pay attention and rest. Something just has to give. 

2. You have to learn and listen to your own body.

• I remember learning this a few years back. Our bodies are really cool things and most often, they're designed to let you know if something is wrong. I have to listen to that and to not second guess any of it. 

3. FIND A PRIMARY CARE DOCTOR.

• Ha. I've finally learned this one. Finding doctors in a new city is just...difficult. However, that whole saga above would've been a lot smoother and easier had I found myself a trusted primary care doctor.  The hassle of not having a doctor isn't worth it, and I'm sure that it is comforting to have someone that you can call when things pop up. But, DON'T WORRY, I now have a urologist!! Lesson learned.  

4. At the same time, we all have a little doctor in us that should be trusted.

• I said almost a week before I was diagnosed that I had mono. I have text messages to prove it! Having a doctor is helpful, but sometimes we know what is wrong and just need it confirmed. 

5. Question authority sometimes...respectfully.

• Remember that second urgent care trip? He wasn't going to test me for mono until I asked about it. I've learned this is part of taking care of myself...when it comes to health, I have to be good at asking the right questions and making sure that doctors have a full picture of what is going on inside. Doctors are people, too, and sometimes it is okay to throw them a bone. 

6. Hug your support system. (and return the favor).

• Thankful. Sickness could be so lonely. 

7. This won't be the last time sickness overtakes your plans.

• Vacation = long days on the beach, yummy cocktails, late nights, etc. HA. A few hours on the beach, lots of throat-numbing medicine, naps, one cocktail, and early evenings. It is all okay and I have to learn to be better at being sick and letting go of the pride that makes me want to push forward through it. Rest, rest, rest, doing everything my body needs to get healthy. 

8. The answer is the beach (or another happy place).

• Again, this trip has been the biggest, most tremendous blessing. There is no better place to be sick and to relax than at the beach. 

Happiness: Halt!

Last night, I was perusing facebook and began to feel that nagging, their-life-is-better-than-yours attitude sneak in. I put down my phone and said to my partner "I think maybe I should give up Facebook for Lent."

There was a lot wrapped up in that statement, but the conversation that followed was about my view of happiness. My faithful readers (ha) will remember that I started this blog, almost TWO years ago with a post titled A Happiness Journey. I had just celebrated a birthday and decided then that I was committed to discovering happiness in the year following. I was committed to being on a path towards happiness, and to doing more of what truly brought me joy.

We continued to talk about why my happiness depends on the lives of other people, and how it really doesn't, but that I often find myself comparing and wondering "how can they be so happy all the time!? Should I be that happy? Are there things that I should be doing that would make me HAPPIER?!" If that reads: exhausting to you, you would be correct. But...I can't stop asking those questions if I'm on a happiness journey, right?

Wrong. Today, I'm wrestling with what a journey to happiness really means. I've done a lot of self-help reading on the topic and honestly, I think maybe I've missed a huge piece of the puzzle.

"But babe, happiness is a choice," he said. "And...there is a difference between happiness and what brings you pleasure. Those two things are not the same."

AND THEN...I woke up to this in my Best Lent Ever devotional:

(It appears that this is something I should explore.)

Happiness is a choice. Happiness is a choice. For someone who sometimes has trouble making a decision on what to have for breakfast, this is sorta scary. What exactly does this mean and how does one make a practice of choosing happiness in all of her moments?

That is a question that lends itself to another journey because I certainly do not know the answer. It is comforting though...to know this means knowing that I am 100% in control of my own happiness and that my joy is not dependent on anyone else...or on any social media picture...or on the way that anyone else defines their own happiness. It has no bearing on my ability and desire to be happy...I am the only one that can impact that.

So really, happiness is less about doing and more about just being. 

I read this article this morning (because this is an extremely popular topic...) and I think I found my new mantra and a start to an answer to the questions above:

Savor. Life is made up of many, many sweet moments and what is happier than holding on to those? I'm not sure what better defines happiness than the people and moments that make my heart feel full.

Savor. 

Cold Day Rest

Today,  I am experiencing a "cold day."

I'm not going to hide it...I jumped up and down when I read that text. Even my extroverted, must-be-around-people self is loving this day of unexpected rest alone. Praise it for being an unessential employee! 

Over the past few months, I've learned to truly value rest. Not the "sleep 8 hours a night" kind of rest, but the kind of rest that allows me to just...sit. And think. Or not think. And the kind of rest that leaves me with nowhere to be.  This is a sharp change in my life. I used to be one of those people who glorified busyness. I loved a full schedule and I hated being alone with nowhere to be. I filled up my life with people, places, problems, and projects. A successful weekend had time for chores during the day and each night planned with someone, somewhere. And now...I'm still in my pjs, doing laundry, and am on my 4th hour of shows on the Food Network and I.am.LOVING it. 

Rest, to me, looks like this today: feet up on the table, tv on, candle burning, plans to slowly clean, computer in hand, kindle at reach, a grateful heart for a day wiped of work (knowing that it will all still be there for me tomorrow) and not an ounce of care about the subzero temperatures. Lazy? Not to my new rest-loving self!

This new found fame of unplanned time in my life does not guarantee that it happens - I recognize that is potentially part of its value. Truth is, it rarely happens that an entire day is up to me, but let me tell you that I've started to look for these pockets of spare time. I've reframed the blessing of an hour, an evening, a full free day. I'm learning to put a big old stake in the time that is mine and to use it for blissful rest. 

If you're like me, rest is a learned love. I encourage you to explore it...find what fills your soul and the different ways that you gain energy and then do those, even if you have to start by scheduling them. In my opinion, mental health days should be a real, approved, celebrated thing. 

A Starting Over, Of Sorts

I love this little blog. I love it because it's filled with words (my favorite), with thoughts that I've wrestled with, and with what I hope is encouragement. I love it because it helps me process, to get out of my own head, and to engage in conversation. Something I don't love about it? I just can't seem to be consistent!

Since I wrote my last post (October...awful!), I've often thought about writing, but haven't found anything to say. I've said more than once "I just haven't been inspired..." and in this moment, I'm calling my own bluff. The past few months have been FULL of discovery, FULL of trial, and FULL of learning that should have led to incredible joy. I've struuuugggggllleeeddd through change and transition (a theme throughout this space). I've been fully tested on vulnerability,  I've experienced pure, true, exciting love, I've taken trips, found new pizza places, and had conversations with students who are just about to change the world. How can all of that be anything less than inspiring?

So here is what I'm thinking...I'm committing to be inspired everyday. To search for little shiny things in seemingly boring moments. To take note of the extraordinary words and actions from people around me. And...to write about my experiences. To tell stories, to share thoughts, and to write so that I am able to fully realize how wonderful, colorful, and inspiring this life really is.