"Well, looks like you have Mono."

Rewind to three weeks ago. I got home from a later night at work, was feeling a little funny, and woke up at 3am with a pain in my left side. After spending time on the phone with my boyfriend, the "nurse on call" for my insurance company (who knew that was a thing...), and panicking that somehow MY appendix was actually in my left side, I went back to bed and visited the urgent care the next morning. 2 days later, I was in the ER because the pain had worsened and between that and a visit to a urologist, I learned that my kidney was swollen which is possible evidence that I had passed a kidney stone without knowledge. Hm.

A week later, I was feeling better but was still experiencing extreme exhaustion, all along pretending I was fine due to two fun, warm, sunny trips I had planned during this week. After getting back from trip #1, I caved in to my malaise and squeezed in another trip to urgent care to address the knives-in-throat pain I was experiencing (and covering with ibuprofen). No strep. Tonsillitis. Blood work. Antibiotic. Should be feeling better next day. Positive thoughts. Yay.

I was sitting in the airport in Nashville on Thursday and called the doctor to get the results of my blood work and what do you know...this 27 year old professional has mono. "Isn't that a thing that only college students get?" I asked. Nope. Blood work don't lie. Mono has moved right on in to my little body. Rude.

You know the type of news that simultaneously makes you feel relieved and also knocked over? That was this. Happy to have answers, annoyed at the weeks of sore throats and exhaustion that will follow...especially when on my way to a girls weekend beach vacation. Blah.

In true fashion, I started to think about the meaning behind the timing of this. Although most people would claim there is no meaning and it is just bad luck, I rarely, rarely think that way. Everything has meaning to me. At the very basic level, I was thankful to get the diagnosis while en route to 5 full days of sun and nothing but moving slow, no agendas, and relaxation. What a blessing that was.

So, here we go. Lessons from the mono:

1. Slow down. Too much IS a very real thing for you. 

• This sounds extremely dramatic, but life can be very demanding (and will just become more so). I used to be able to do it. To be able to work a lot, and still push my adventure-loving, night-is-young self to fill the off-hours. I can't do it any more. It isn't healthy for me and I have to pay attention and rest. Something just has to give. 

2. You have to learn and listen to your own body.

• I remember learning this a few years back. Our bodies are really cool things and most often, they're designed to let you know if something is wrong. I have to listen to that and to not second guess any of it. 

3. FIND A PRIMARY CARE DOCTOR.

• Ha. I've finally learned this one. Finding doctors in a new city is just...difficult. However, that whole saga above would've been a lot smoother and easier had I found myself a trusted primary care doctor.  The hassle of not having a doctor isn't worth it, and I'm sure that it is comforting to have someone that you can call when things pop up. But, DON'T WORRY, I now have a urologist!! Lesson learned.  

4. At the same time, we all have a little doctor in us that should be trusted.

• I said almost a week before I was diagnosed that I had mono. I have text messages to prove it! Having a doctor is helpful, but sometimes we know what is wrong and just need it confirmed. 

5. Question authority sometimes...respectfully.

• Remember that second urgent care trip? He wasn't going to test me for mono until I asked about it. I've learned this is part of taking care of myself...when it comes to health, I have to be good at asking the right questions and making sure that doctors have a full picture of what is going on inside. Doctors are people, too, and sometimes it is okay to throw them a bone. 

6. Hug your support system. (and return the favor).

• Thankful. Sickness could be so lonely. 

7. This won't be the last time sickness overtakes your plans.

• Vacation = long days on the beach, yummy cocktails, late nights, etc. HA. A few hours on the beach, lots of throat-numbing medicine, naps, one cocktail, and early evenings. It is all okay and I have to learn to be better at being sick and letting go of the pride that makes me want to push forward through it. Rest, rest, rest, doing everything my body needs to get healthy. 

8. The answer is the beach (or another happy place).

• Again, this trip has been the biggest, most tremendous blessing. There is no better place to be sick and to relax than at the beach. 

Happiness: Halt!

Last night, I was perusing facebook and began to feel that nagging, their-life-is-better-than-yours attitude sneak in. I put down my phone and said to my partner "I think maybe I should give up Facebook for Lent."

There was a lot wrapped up in that statement, but the conversation that followed was about my view of happiness. My faithful readers (ha) will remember that I started this blog, almost TWO years ago with a post titled A Happiness Journey. I had just celebrated a birthday and decided then that I was committed to discovering happiness in the year following. I was committed to being on a path towards happiness, and to doing more of what truly brought me joy.

We continued to talk about why my happiness depends on the lives of other people, and how it really doesn't, but that I often find myself comparing and wondering "how can they be so happy all the time!? Should I be that happy? Are there things that I should be doing that would make me HAPPIER?!" If that reads: exhausting to you, you would be correct. But...I can't stop asking those questions if I'm on a happiness journey, right?

Wrong. Today, I'm wrestling with what a journey to happiness really means. I've done a lot of self-help reading on the topic and honestly, I think maybe I've missed a huge piece of the puzzle.

"But babe, happiness is a choice," he said. "And...there is a difference between happiness and what brings you pleasure. Those two things are not the same."

AND THEN...I woke up to this in my Best Lent Ever devotional:

(It appears that this is something I should explore.)

Happiness is a choice. Happiness is a choice. For someone who sometimes has trouble making a decision on what to have for breakfast, this is sorta scary. What exactly does this mean and how does one make a practice of choosing happiness in all of her moments?

That is a question that lends itself to another journey because I certainly do not know the answer. It is comforting though...to know this means knowing that I am 100% in control of my own happiness and that my joy is not dependent on anyone else...or on any social media picture...or on the way that anyone else defines their own happiness. It has no bearing on my ability and desire to be happy...I am the only one that can impact that.

So really, happiness is less about doing and more about just being. 

I read this article this morning (because this is an extremely popular topic...) and I think I found my new mantra and a start to an answer to the questions above:

Savor. Life is made up of many, many sweet moments and what is happier than holding on to those? I'm not sure what better defines happiness than the people and moments that make my heart feel full.

Savor. 

Cold Day Rest

Today,  I am experiencing a "cold day."

I'm not going to hide it...I jumped up and down when I read that text. Even my extroverted, must-be-around-people self is loving this day of unexpected rest alone. Praise it for being an unessential employee! 

Over the past few months, I've learned to truly value rest. Not the "sleep 8 hours a night" kind of rest, but the kind of rest that allows me to just...sit. And think. Or not think. And the kind of rest that leaves me with nowhere to be.  This is a sharp change in my life. I used to be one of those people who glorified busyness. I loved a full schedule and I hated being alone with nowhere to be. I filled up my life with people, places, problems, and projects. A successful weekend had time for chores during the day and each night planned with someone, somewhere. And now...I'm still in my pjs, doing laundry, and am on my 4th hour of shows on the Food Network and I.am.LOVING it. 

Rest, to me, looks like this today: feet up on the table, tv on, candle burning, plans to slowly clean, computer in hand, kindle at reach, a grateful heart for a day wiped of work (knowing that it will all still be there for me tomorrow) and not an ounce of care about the subzero temperatures. Lazy? Not to my new rest-loving self!

This new found fame of unplanned time in my life does not guarantee that it happens - I recognize that is potentially part of its value. Truth is, it rarely happens that an entire day is up to me, but let me tell you that I've started to look for these pockets of spare time. I've reframed the blessing of an hour, an evening, a full free day. I'm learning to put a big old stake in the time that is mine and to use it for blissful rest. 

If you're like me, rest is a learned love. I encourage you to explore it...find what fills your soul and the different ways that you gain energy and then do those, even if you have to start by scheduling them. In my opinion, mental health days should be a real, approved, celebrated thing.