Expectations or Limitations?

"Nearly all the best things that came to me in life have been unexpected, unplanned by me." - Carl Sandburg

I have a lot of questions today. 

I've heard before (and believed) that having high expectations sets you up for failure. I understand the sentiment, but recently I've been working on a perspective shift…could expectations essentially be limitations? If we have expectations of any degree, will we miss outcomes that could be even greater than the ones we experience due to setting our sights specifically on what we believe (or want) to be true?

If I expect to go to the grocery store to simply buy the items on my list, will I miss the fact that Peanut m&ms are on sale? (Such a shame!) More seriously…if I set an expectation for the qualities I want in a partner…will I shut myself off to someone who is even greater than that prescribed expectation? That list of qualities that I decided were important (so important that I wrote them down…) 5 years ago could end up being a limitation if I've conditioned myself to search for them and only them. What if those expectations really are setting us up for disappointment? If our expectation is that it will not snow until December, and it ends up snowing in October, will we miss the beauty because we've covered it up with disbelief?

What if we didn't have an expectation? What if we lived truly moment by moment and everything that came to us was a surprise..one for which we were always grateful? Will that practice limit disappointment? Does it limit inconvenience? Could having an expectation possibly limit…joy?

I'm starting to wonder if expectations make our worlds less colorful, if they shut us off from all things possible, and if we are selling ourselves short by being rigid in our desires.

This view is not to discount standing firm on your values and being sure of your worth. You deserve that job you've worked hard for. You deserve to be treated fairly and you deserve a partner who far exceeds your non-negotiable standards. I'm only suggesting that, when there's room, we loosen our expectations to leave room for surprises that we didn't even know to want.

Discouragement.

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." 

- Anais Nin

A few weeks ago, I wrote this post on transition. As I've worked through my own period (read: life) of transition, I've been paying attention to my attitudes and feelings and how they ebb and flow in relation to it. Some days, I feel like I can take on the world. Some days make me feel healthily challenged, and still some make me feel…discouraged.

Discouragement is an interesting feeling. In my experience, it encompasses feelings of fear, loneliness, trepidation, and unmet expectations. It takes your hope and shrinks it, covers up your confidence, and often quiets your voice. I'm a fan of feelings, but this one isn't one of my favorites.

Here's what I've learned though…when you're discouraged, when something in life has you down, when your expectations aren't being met, all you can do is keep moving forward. In fact, that is the only and the most important answer. Even when it feels hard, impossible, and like an upward climb, we have to make the commitment to dive head first into the mess. And that is the secret…the commitment. Making the choice to improve our own situation and to ask for what we need helps us to regain control that maybe feels lost. We have to take a breath, and just do what it takes. Google ways to make friends in a new city,  join a dating site, apply for a new job, go to a movie by yourself…just do it.  Because…really, what is the alternative? It might feel better in the moment to not be vulnerable and to stay safe, but does it really? I think we are rewarded for plowing through discouragement. Life happens in moments of intense courage and those moments aren't given to us…we have to create and take them.

For a Lifetime

I had the absolute honor of presenting the Devotional to begin the closing business session at the 2014 Phi Mu National Convention. Here it is!

Well, here we are…the last business session! That is wild…it always goes so quickly!

When I was a junior at Miami and serving Beta Eta as Vice President, I had the opportunity to travel to Peachtree City for a leadership conference with Phi Mu. When we were in the Cincinnati airport, all wearing our letters, we ran into a group of women who were also Phi Mus who were still traveling to vacation together 20 years after their college graduation. That was my first glimpse of how special this organization would be to me for a lifetime…and then a few years later, I was serving on staff and attended my first National Convention and my mind was blown.

Recently, I started a job as a fraternity and sorority advisor at a school in Ohio. Have you ever had someone question your decision to join a Greek organization? I get similar responses when I explain that I’ve chosen this as my career. I get even more sideways looks when I explain that yes, I still volunteer my time to an organization that I joined in college. What I wish so many could understand is how much more Phi Mu means to us. I wish that everyone could see what we’ve done here this week. I wish that they could be standing in the back of this room right now to witness it.

They would obviously see hundreds of women. They would begin to understand that this is far more than a social club, although that pool party was pretty fabulous. They would see that we have gathered for something larger than ourselves, and that we care about the strength, quality, and longevity of this, our organization. The alumnae in the room would share about their collegiate experience and the many years of memories that they’ve made with sisters post-college. I would hope to have the opportunity to tell them how thankful I am and how special so many of you are to me.  

You are special because you have known me since I was a new member, you befriended me when I joined the HQ staff, you’ve trusted me with projects that will forever make our organization stronger, and have become my truest lifelong friends. You have shown me what it means to be a mother, a strong professional, and a volunteer and that as women, we can truly have it all. You are special because it does not matter to which city I adventure next, you will be there to welcome me and to help me make it a home.  I’ve just completed my third interstate move and I did this one with such confidence because of Phi Mu. All you need to know about me is that we share a Ritual and that is enough for you to offer your homes, help, and care.  I know that “not 4 years, for life” has become the newest popular hashtag, but don’t let those words lose meaning…they’re some of the truest to me!

So, as we leave each other tomorrow, I hope that you can experience that our bond really does transcend time and location. I hope that in your future, you experience meeting a Phi Mu in a job interview, feeling comforted by a sister calling at exactly the right time, and that you always display your membership proudly. Be confident when you explain that joining this organization was the best decision that you’ve ever made because, believe me, even at my young age, I can tell you that you will mean that for a lifetime. Thank you.

Transition - It's Hard and Here to Stay.

"It's not the change that's hard. It is the loss associated with that change that is hard."

I love this quote and I've been thinking a lot over the past few months about how true it is. I've always felt that change is hard. I don't like it and I don't think I ever will. Even if I know something great is on the horizon, I struggle through transition. This quote tells me why. I'm capable of making changes in my life, of moving on, etc, but what I am terrible at is letting go. 

Is change hard? Sure. Examples: Are breakups hard? YES. But what really makes me so heartbroken is the loss of having a person, of feeling valued and safe, and of what the future could have been. The breakup is hard, but the loss is worse. Is leaving college/school/a job hard? Definitely. But it isn't the change that is really that difficult (no homework, more free time?!)…it is walking away from comfort, not being able to see the people who have strengthened you, made you laugh, loved you, and who quickly became your family. It is walking away from a job that gave you such purpose, that taught you how to be successful, and how to take it all in stride. Is starting a diet hard? Sure but…what is harder is abandoning what you used to eat, not sleeping in on a Saturday, having more free time before making that gym commitment. Is moving hard? UGH YES. Okay yeah…moving is just hard.  

Trucking through transition often feels like walking through an almost-dry cement river. It is difficult, and feels slow, but you almost feel you need to move as fast as possible to get to the other side so that you can stop feeling loss. Being on the other side of transition allows us to create something new that eventually fills up the space that the loss left. What I'm learning is that it is all okay. It is okay that I don't like change and that I'm scared of the loss. It is okay that, for now, I feel like I'm just wandering. I'm learning that life will always be this way. It'll be rare to find a phase of life that isn't framed by transition. It was great to learn about transition theories in grad school but I think I need to write my own called "The Buckle Up, Life = Transition Theory."

There isn't much encouragement coming from this post other than sharing with you where I currently stand. I think we all struggle with transition at some point…some of you are just better letting go-ers than I am, but I'm okay with that, too.

"How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard?" 

- Winnie the Pooh

Strangely, I think that the past two years have given me a (very little) glimpse of what it is like to be a parent. Although I skipped ages 0-17 with these students, I've learned that parents always want the best for their children and that they just wish that they would listen and learn from the experiences of their own pasts. I value the time that I've had to invest in the lives of my students…and am thankful for the space that they've given me to do so. It is my hope that beyond leadership, conflict management, and StrengthsQuest, that I can teach them about life earlier than I learned of it. I believe in the value of experience, but maybe my own experiences can save them from excess hurt and confusion…and todays thoughts are on dating. So, from someone who feels like a strange mix of big sister, teacher and mother, here is my best (tried and true) advice.

• Keep the person of your dreams in mind.
• They really are out there. Your perfect person is out there and each decision we make with another potential "love" interest impacts that future relationship. The behaviors that you develop now are shaping the way your relationship will be with your forever partner. Work now for the health of that relationship. This means letting people go who don't realize your worth, listening to those who keep you honest, and having willpower and self-control. It seems weird to think of someone you don't know yet, but I view it as gift to my future husband…I respect him enough already to make good decisions. Forever really begins now…with you, single. 
• If you find yourself wondering for more than a few months if the person you're dating (or "dating") has the potential to be your one for life, they probably aren't. 
• If this person is making questionable choices, has stopped treating you like their priority, and cannot communicate how they feel about you, they aren't ready for you…and you cannot wait for them.  You do not have to be 100% positive, but if you know the potential isn't even there…be strong enough to walk away because…well, #1. 
• We are young and a work in progress. Work to be the person you are looking for is looking for. 
• I first heard this during an unconventional sermon series on dating a few years ago and it truly changed my perspective (it's good…let me know if you're interested). Think about your daily actions like this…would I want my future partner to be doing this today? Would I want them to say this? Would I want them to treat people in this way? If the answer is no, maybe you shouldn't be doing it either. 
• Discover your own worthiness. You are invaluable and deserve someone who will treat you as such. Spend time figuring out how to love the person you are becoming. If you need help, I would be happy to provide. 
• Having their attention is not the same as dating and it in no way reflects what may come in the future. 
• Just because they "enjoy spending time with you" and they text you every day does NOT mean they are interested now, or ever, in being with you. Someone who thinks highly of you, who thinks you're attractive, and who wants to be with you WILL tell you so. They won't be able to keep it in. They will tell you because they will be worried (as they should be) that they'll lose your attention and that you'll end up with someone else. Anyone who is not interested in every part of you is just taking up heart, head, and physical space. Take care of yourself and let them go. 
• Communication. Practice with your friends.
• It is no surprise to me that people don't know how to communicate with their significant others, because typically, we don't even know how to confront and be vulnerable with our friends. Practice. Speak up when you're hurt, work on your delivery, and learn to be a very active listener. 

Now, here's the thing. There are always exceptions. However, after experiencing enough wishy-washy, a relationship that was a game changer, and being sure I want the real thing, I'm adopting these practices as rules. I've learned that people rarely change and that it is never my responsibility to help them do so, but also that someone worth my heart will make me feel cherished. Some may say I'm boring, too serious, or too radical, but I completely disagree and I wish I would have internalized the fact that I am in control of my own dating life long ago. Just remember that what we allow is always what will continue. 

Life Lessons. Love, Tampa.

Two years ago, when I was leaving Atlanta, I created this list of things that I learned while living there. Now, two weeks out from my next interstate move, I came up with my Tampa list. I'm not sure if it was living in the sunshine state, being in graduate school, or moving out of my mid-twenties, but this season of life taught me more about myself than any before. This list is not anywhere near comprehensive, nor have I mastered these…but I'm thankful regardless.

1. Figure out what makes you happy and do more of it.
2. I value a purposeful life over almost everything else.
3. Life is funny, unpredictable, and sometimes hard, but there is not a lot I can do to control it. Enjoying the ride requires flexibility and gratitude.
4. Sometimes, it is okay to just live one minute at a time even if you wish life had a fast forward button.
5. There is NO common path and no one can tell you what decisions to make. Only you know what is best for you. It takes practice to be able to this confidently.
6. I want a life full of small adventure, love, and laughter.
7. People actually look up to me (what?) and I've learned to treat that as a responsibility. It keeps me honest.
8. My gut is smarter than my head and my heart.
9. When life feels difficult, it's okay to truly feel those emotions, but at some point, you need to let go and make yourself happier. It is unproductive to live in slumps.
10. I've learned a lot about asking for what I need and balancing that with my tendency to be a people-pleaser.
11. There comes a point when you have to decide whose opinions really matter and who you will allow to impact your life. I need trusted people to give me well-timed pep talks, to share in my joy, and to ask the right questions, but those things from the wrong people are NOT helpful.
12. There really are no rules and we have to figure out how to create our own stories. Although it sometimes doesn't feel this way, we actually have a lot of freedom to do so - we just have to make the commitment.
13. I need spontaneous people in my world who are able to throw out their plans on a whim.
14. Be a team player. It is better when people don't have to ask you to show up because they're already familiar with your reliability.
15. I'm thankful to have learned what true, healthy relationships really look like and I vow never to go backwards.

In just two short years, I feel like I experienced a lot of life. I've seen success, learned about change, been through heartbreak, growth, and joy, and earned a new degree. Honestly, I'm not really ready to let it all go…but then maybe that is a lesson in itself. I'm prepared to move on and it is best to do so before reaching a state of complacency. 

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning." 

- Ivy Baker Priest

Little Moments

"Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different?" - C.S. Lewis

It is interesting that as you get older, life tends to make more sense. Not sense in that we have all the answers, but in the way that order emerges out of our young-self messes. You learn the lesson that everything happens for a reason, that the world will not simply hand you what you want, and that you are in charge of your own happiness. I learned another one of those little cliche lessons this past week - life can change in just {one} moment. In just one interaction, one phone call, one email, one drive, one step…one moment, everything can suddenly be different. This is one of those things that we all know but, have you ever really thought about that? 

You know what is even better than that though? To realize that, in actuality, that moment is the sum of many moments before that. It is serious validation that everything you've done up to this point was a step in the right direction, even if it felt like a step in the dark or a leap of faith. It suddenly becomes so clear that even though we endure hard days/weeks/months, that all of those little moments were working together for your greatest good, if you let them. It makes those impossible days worth it. Whether they served the purpose of changing your attitude, toughening your skin, or just creating space for God's ultimate plan, I have to believe that they have purpose. 

The scary thing is that all of this requires action from us. We cannot just sit around and hope that the little moments become one that changes us forever. We have to make intentional choices every single day and have the hope that they will pay off. We have to get up, we have to apply, we have to say "yes" to some things and "no" to others. We have to breakup, we have to allow ourselves to be loved, we have to work hard, and we have to be brave enough to change our plans sometimes. We have to persevere. We have to defy uncertainty and be decisive, knowing that one day, we will make it -whatever that means- and that, finally, the journey will all make sense and it will be beautiful. 

I don't know about you, but that gives me a heavy dose of hope and love for life. It also makes me so thankful for each tiny little moment. It makes me want to embrace each second and to share them widely. These culminating moments are such a blessing and I am thankful that my eyes have been opened to how they are painting our stories…and are making us better forever. 

Congrats, CSA.

In the scope of graduate school, tomorrow is a pretty big day. Comprehensive exams. I have spent the past three weeks refreshing and (in some cases) relearning, all of the material that I have digested over the past 1.5 years. We've learned a lot...and looking at it all together, it's clear that we actually KNOW a lot...mountains more than we did at the start. I'm proud of that, but what I think is more impactful is the knowledge that I've gained that cannot be accurately portrayed on a written exam.

I could make a pretty long list, but something that is undeniable to me is that I've gained a much greater ability to consider perspectives alternate to my own (I'll refrain from applying theory here). My mind has expanded and I can feel that it has more space to consider opinions that are opposite mine, to love people who have come from places I will never see (both physically and mentally), and to just generally find the good in all people and situations. The cliche phrase "someone is always fighting a harder battle" has personified itself in my students, classmates, and colleagues and that makes me thankful for them and for all that has led me to this day. I can tell that I am still new at this though. I sometimes have to fight to consider where someone is coming from, often have to "fix my face" when I disagree, and have to overcome my own unfair judgments. I stumble all the time, but this isn't something that gets mastered.

When I committed to entering this program almost 2 years ago to the day, I had no idea that this would be one of my greatest lessons. I expected to learn student development theories. I knew that I would have the opportunity to build relationships and I knew that I would be pushed and challenged. I hoped that I would experience leadership retreats and a dynamic staff environment. Those expectations have all been surpassed, but I did not know that almost under the table, my heart would grow, my mind would become more well-rounded, and that together, they almost became more human...or maybe just helped me become more me. 

So, congratulations, CSA program. I think you've won...and my little student affairs loving, comps-fearing heart is thankful.