Transition - It's Hard and Here to Stay.

"It's not the change that's hard. It is the loss associated with that change that is hard."

I love this quote and I've been thinking a lot over the past few months about how true it is. I've always felt that change is hard. I don't like it and I don't think I ever will. Even if I know something great is on the horizon, I struggle through transition. This quote tells me why. I'm capable of making changes in my life, of moving on, etc, but what I am terrible at is letting go. 

Is change hard? Sure. Examples: Are breakups hard? YES. But what really makes me so heartbroken is the loss of having a person, of feeling valued and safe, and of what the future could have been. The breakup is hard, but the loss is worse. Is leaving college/school/a job hard? Definitely. But it isn't the change that is really that difficult (no homework, more free time?!)…it is walking away from comfort, not being able to see the people who have strengthened you, made you laugh, loved you, and who quickly became your family. It is walking away from a job that gave you such purpose, that taught you how to be successful, and how to take it all in stride. Is starting a diet hard? Sure but…what is harder is abandoning what you used to eat, not sleeping in on a Saturday, having more free time before making that gym commitment. Is moving hard? UGH YES. Okay yeah…moving is just hard.  

Trucking through transition often feels like walking through an almost-dry cement river. It is difficult, and feels slow, but you almost feel you need to move as fast as possible to get to the other side so that you can stop feeling loss. Being on the other side of transition allows us to create something new that eventually fills up the space that the loss left. What I'm learning is that it is all okay. It is okay that I don't like change and that I'm scared of the loss. It is okay that, for now, I feel like I'm just wandering. I'm learning that life will always be this way. It'll be rare to find a phase of life that isn't framed by transition. It was great to learn about transition theories in grad school but I think I need to write my own called "The Buckle Up, Life = Transition Theory."

There isn't much encouragement coming from this post other than sharing with you where I currently stand. I think we all struggle with transition at some point…some of you are just better letting go-ers than I am, but I'm okay with that, too.

"How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard?" 

- Winnie the Pooh

Strangely, I think that the past two years have given me a (very little) glimpse of what it is like to be a parent. Although I skipped ages 0-17 with these students, I've learned that parents always want the best for their children and that they just wish that they would listen and learn from the experiences of their own pasts. I value the time that I've had to invest in the lives of my students…and am thankful for the space that they've given me to do so. It is my hope that beyond leadership, conflict management, and StrengthsQuest, that I can teach them about life earlier than I learned of it. I believe in the value of experience, but maybe my own experiences can save them from excess hurt and confusion…and todays thoughts are on dating. So, from someone who feels like a strange mix of big sister, teacher and mother, here is my best (tried and true) advice.

• Keep the person of your dreams in mind.
• They really are out there. Your perfect person is out there and each decision we make with another potential "love" interest impacts that future relationship. The behaviors that you develop now are shaping the way your relationship will be with your forever partner. Work now for the health of that relationship. This means letting people go who don't realize your worth, listening to those who keep you honest, and having willpower and self-control. It seems weird to think of someone you don't know yet, but I view it as gift to my future husband…I respect him enough already to make good decisions. Forever really begins now…with you, single. 
• If you find yourself wondering for more than a few months if the person you're dating (or "dating") has the potential to be your one for life, they probably aren't. 
• If this person is making questionable choices, has stopped treating you like their priority, and cannot communicate how they feel about you, they aren't ready for you…and you cannot wait for them.  You do not have to be 100% positive, but if you know the potential isn't even there…be strong enough to walk away because…well, #1. 
• We are young and a work in progress. Work to be the person you are looking for is looking for. 
• I first heard this during an unconventional sermon series on dating a few years ago and it truly changed my perspective (it's good…let me know if you're interested). Think about your daily actions like this…would I want my future partner to be doing this today? Would I want them to say this? Would I want them to treat people in this way? If the answer is no, maybe you shouldn't be doing it either. 
• Discover your own worthiness. You are invaluable and deserve someone who will treat you as such. Spend time figuring out how to love the person you are becoming. If you need help, I would be happy to provide. 
• Having their attention is not the same as dating and it in no way reflects what may come in the future. 
• Just because they "enjoy spending time with you" and they text you every day does NOT mean they are interested now, or ever, in being with you. Someone who thinks highly of you, who thinks you're attractive, and who wants to be with you WILL tell you so. They won't be able to keep it in. They will tell you because they will be worried (as they should be) that they'll lose your attention and that you'll end up with someone else. Anyone who is not interested in every part of you is just taking up heart, head, and physical space. Take care of yourself and let them go. 
• Communication. Practice with your friends.
• It is no surprise to me that people don't know how to communicate with their significant others, because typically, we don't even know how to confront and be vulnerable with our friends. Practice. Speak up when you're hurt, work on your delivery, and learn to be a very active listener. 

Now, here's the thing. There are always exceptions. However, after experiencing enough wishy-washy, a relationship that was a game changer, and being sure I want the real thing, I'm adopting these practices as rules. I've learned that people rarely change and that it is never my responsibility to help them do so, but also that someone worth my heart will make me feel cherished. Some may say I'm boring, too serious, or too radical, but I completely disagree and I wish I would have internalized the fact that I am in control of my own dating life long ago. Just remember that what we allow is always what will continue.